I had trouble falling asleep last night, so I started screwing around on my phone at about 1:00 this morning. When I do this, I like to go to Wikipedia. For one thing, I enjoy learning and even though everyone should take every word in a Wiki article with a grain of salt, Wikipedia is a great jumping off point when you want to learn about something. For another, Wikipedia has the awfulsome trait of having great internal links that can lead you down hundreds of thousands of informational rabbit holes. Here’s a great example: I began my late night phone surfing on Luka Doncic’s Wikipedia page, and about 15 minutes later, only using clicks on internal links, I was on the Wiki for the 1997 Oscar-snubbed classic Air Bud.
This got me thinking. With the Super Bowl coming up on Sunday, if you were to assemble an 11-man offense and 11-man defense with dog breeds, what breed would you want at each position. Now, before someone calls me Michael Vick and says I’m promoting conflict among canines, please take a deep breath and realize that this whole article is just a big hypothetical joke. So, with 3/4 of a pot of coffee in my veins, here’s what I came up with:
CENTER: St. Bernard. You want a dog that’s big, strong, and smart.
GUARDS (2): Husky. Not the largest dog out there, but they’re fast and quick, perfect for being able to pull on runs to the outside.
TACKLES (2): Rhodesian Ridgeback. Big, powerful, ideal for protecting the edges of the pocket. These things were bred to fight lions, so you know they’ll put up a good fight with the defensive line.
TIGHT END: Boxer. Maybe not as big as you’d expect a tight end to be, but they’re fast, strong, and athletic enough to make tough catches going through the middle.
HALF BACK: Jack Russell Terrier. Have you ever tried to chase down a Jack Russell? As long as they get through the holes provided by the St. Bernard, Huskies, and Rhodesian Ridgeback, it’s touchdown city.
FULL BACK: Pit Bull. I know what you’re thinking: shouldn’t a breed like pit bull play defense? Yeah, probably, but they’re quick and tough enough to lay down blocks, and fast enough to create some separation if they need to, so they’re ideal full backs.
SLOT RECEIVER: Vizsla. Similar to a slightly smaller greyhound, these quick hounds would be ideal for recreating that Wes Welker vibe.
RECEIVERS: Greyhounds. Was this a surprise? Lightning fast, super athletic, great hands, probably.
QUARTERBACK: Rough Collie. Considered one of the smartest dog breeds out there, they can read a defense and corral players to where it wants them to go. Not too big, not too small, and super photogenic: that’s what you want in a Q.
DEFENSIVE LINE (3): Caucasian Shepherd. Big, strong, mean when needed. These dogs are also known as “wolf killers” and would be good matchups with the O-line dogs.
DEFENSIVE ENDS (2): Rottweiler. 0% body fat, mean as all get out, maybe fast enough to get the edge on the Rhodesian Ridgebacks, and merciless when making a sack.
WEAK SIDE LINEBACKER: German Shepherd. Smart, fast enough to play pass coverage on a tight end, and aggressive enough to blitz when appropriate.
MIDDLE LINEBACKER: Belgian Malinois. This is what police forces are switching to from German Shepherds. They’re about the same size as a German Shepherd, but they’re faster and smarter.
STRONG SIDE LINEBACKER: Doberman Pinscher. Bigger than the Shepherd and Malinois, and probably think things like “I’m just here to hit people and collect my pay.”
CORNERBACKS (2): Saluki. Smaller than greyhounds, but fast and probably very good at taking credit for great defense even when the pass was way overthrown.
SAFETY: Dalmatian. Fifth fastest dog in the world, but slower than the cornerback Salukis. However, they’re also bigger than Salukis, so they can lay down some circa-2005-Roy-Williams-level hits on people that get into the third tier.