Quick Hits, Vol. 3

As this website is still in its early days, I feel comfortable changing rules on the fly. For instance, the first Quick Hits piece I did was because I had writer’s block. The second Quick Hits piece was because I was having difficulty picking a topic to stick with. Then last night I had the idea to make Quick Hits a weekly thing. And because the second one also went out on a Wednesday, I picked Wednesdays. So, with no further ado, I present the third installment of Quick Hits, which is now a weekly article.

Quick Hits

I’m trying to get into classical music but it’s difficult because I don’t know the works that well yet and it’s not like you can Google the lyrics if there’s a song you like but don’t know the name of. Shazam works, but sometimes it takes forever to pull up or I’m in a setting where it would be inappropriate to just say, “hey, hang on just a sec, I’ve been waiting to figure out who wrote this 300-year-old song real quick.”

If humans have evolved to have the traits that a lot of us have, it stands to reason that every other animal on earth is at some point in their evolutionary progress where humans once were. Theoretically, then, dogs a few hundred thousand years from now could evolve to develop a speaking voice. However, the paradox is that because humans understand evolution better now than they ever have, we will probably accidentally or intentionally breed animals in such a way that interrupts what would otherwise be their evolutionary future. Crazy, right?

I’m thirty-two years old, but the thing that still gives me the biggest sense of adulthood is ordering black coffee.

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Adulthood in a six ounce cup

George Carlin once said “white people have no business playing the blues.” He also said “all music is the blues.” By the transitive property, George Carlin thought white shouldn’t play any music.

I haven’t heard an ice cream truck in fifteen years.

If kids aren’t learning cursive in school anymore, will signatures look a lot different several years from now? Like, if someone is looking through public records in the year 2100, will they notices a weird paradigm shift where signatures went from uniquely illegible to just print? And if that’s the case, can we just bring back personal seals like in the days before most people knew how to read? That’d be cool, right?

Most living United States congressmen, senators, presidents, and vice presidents, current and former, irrespective of party, would have been Loyalists during the American Revolution. They likely would have been tarred and feathered or something right after the Battle of Yorktown.

I enjoy Renaissance fairs, but we need more era- or geographic-specific festivals like that. Roman Empire, Ancient Greece, Ancient Egypt, Mongol Empire, Zhou Dynasty, Aztec Empire, Colonial America, etc. I, for one, would love to see an Aztec Empire one just to see who all shows up as Conquistadors.

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The Texas Renaissance Festival

The fun of sneaking alcohol into places is parabolic. When you’re in college it’s super fun and a little endearing. Then from ages 25 to 60 or so it’s a bit sad. Then from 60 or so on it’s fun and a little endearing again. And it just gets funnier/more adorable. My granddad is in his 80s and takes brandy with him to the golf course so he and his old man friends can take shots every time someone makes a birdie. Hilarious.

Why do some sports teams name themselves after animals that are not found in the area in which the team plays? Cincinnati Bengals. Memphis Grizzlies. Jacksonville Jaguars. You won’t find a tiger in Cincinnati unless it’s at a zoo. At least the Toronto Blue Jays, Florida Marlins, Arizona Coyotes, and Philadelphia Eagles aren’t trying to scam their fans.

You know how sometimes you’ll see something online that’s like “would you slap your [insert relative here] for $1 million”? As long as you can talk to the person beforehand and explain the situation, there is literally never a reason to say no to that.

There should be a season of Survivor where they have to survive in some run-down urban/ghost town environment rather than a beach.

Being the guy who picks the songs that will become a movie soundtrack is my dream job. Not the guy who scores the film, because I’m not nearly talented enough for that. But they guy who knows to play the best Dropkick Murphys song for a movie set in Boston or the best Led Zeppelin song for having a bipolar episode. Seriously, Silver Linings Playbook is a great movie anyway but that scene with “What Is and What Should Never Be” playing in the background is just incredible acting all around.

Warning: some NSFW language

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