Valentine’s Day is upon us. Some people get really into it, others purposely rebel against it. And I get it. I’m not a Valentine’s Day person myself. Leslie Knope made “Galentine’s Day” part of the zeitgeist, and that got me thinking about what other V-Day alternatives may be out there. Now, these are just things I came up with over a cup of coffee this morning. That said, if you want something to do on Valentine’s Day but find yourself either alone or rebelling, try one of these substitute holidays:
A day for your pals. Pals can be male or female, as long as they’re your pals. Your buddies. Your chums. Your mates. Just get together with some pals and do adult friend stuff. Drink beer, play darts, see a movie, or maybe just veg, but veg together, because that’s what Palentine’s Day is all about.
This one is a niche holiday to be celebrated by groups of people who all go by names that begin with “Sal.” Salvatore, Sally, Salazar, Salma, Salem, Salome, whatever. I figure most of those names are sort of rare these days, and it might be good for those folks to get together and celebrate.
Calentine’s Day (Baltimore)
The first regional Valentine’s Day variant, Calentine’s Day is a day when the people of Baltimore celebrate the career of Hall of Fame baseball player Cal Ripken, Jr. A traditional Calentine’s Day should involve exactly 26 minutes, 32 seconds of watching Cal Ripken highlights in honor of his 2,632 consecutive games games played.
On Valleytine’s Day, the object is to celebrate the brief cultural phenomenon that was the Valley Girl? Observers of this holiday celebrate by, like, going to the mall and taking on, like, a Valley Girl accent? Will you feel stupid? As if! The Valley Girl accent is when, like, every sentence, regardless of whether it’s a question, ends in an upward, like, inflection? It helps if you put a question mark at the end of, like, otherwise non-question sentences? If you need a refresher, like, just re-watch Clueless?
This one is a little obscure because it has it’s roots in Mexico, where the word for “bad” is “malo” or “mala” depending on whether it’s describing a masculine or feminine noun, respectively. On Malotine’s Day, the object is to send parody Valentine’s Day cards to people you don’t like. For instance, send them a card that says “Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you’re alone and sad.” If you really don’t like the person, maybe some of these mean candy hearts their way.
Fallontine’s Day is all about Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon was a standout on Saturday Night Live, and is a talented impressionist, comedian, and musician. He is now the host of The Tonight Show, where he remains an inoffensive, fairly apolitical talk show host who is willing to do the cheesy crap they have to do without becoming too much of a cheesy geek himself. Plus, he’s already given us some thoughts on Valentine’s Day.
On Wowentine’s Day, you must say “wow” like Owen Wilson all day. “Honey, I made your favorite pancakes!” “Wow! Smells delicious!”
Another niche holiday, Xylotine’s Day promotes all things xylophone related. This can be celebrated by xylophone players as well as xylophone enthusiasts. Maybe you think rock & roll needs more xylo, or maybe you just saw this video of someone playing “Flight of the Bumblebee” on xylophone and were so impressed you just needed to consume more xylophone music. Either way, grab some mallets and head down to Guitar Center so you can annoy the headbangers playing Slayer songs on guitars they could never afford.
Y’allentine’s Day is specifically for folks in states other in Texas who wish to talk like Texans. As much as I’d love to rant and rave about all the times I’ve been asked if because I’m from Texas, do I have guns (yes), or am I in oil (no), or do I ride a horse to school (no), I like to think people ask those because they’re jealous they’re not from here like I am. So people in lesser states like California or New York can congregate and say “how y’all doin’ today? Doin’ alright? Y’ant a Lone Star? You bet, bud, they’re in the fridge. Keep the cap so I can do the puzzle. Jeet yet? I smoked some brisket if yer hungry.”
I think the holiday that is the polar opposite of Valentine’s Day would have to be Halloween. So, for those folks who hate Valentine’s Day but love Halloween, they can use February 14 to have a second (or first, depending on your perspective) dress-up holiday. The best part is that because Valentine’s Day tends to be candy-centric, it’s not a difficult leap to make into the Halloween spirit.