Tomorrow, as you might know, is Easter. As you also might know, the Easter Bunny is the Official Small Mammal Mascot of Easter. When you’re a kid, you’d get back from Easter Mass (or other, non-Catholic church service, or you’d just wake up because you didn’t go to Easter Mass because East Mass is soooooo long) and there would be a basket filled with fake grass, a few religious-themed trinkets, and candy. Then maybe you’d have an Easter egg hunt and then just hang out as your dad watched a golf tournament on TV.
But what is the Easter Bunny? Well, I can provide you the real answer, then provide some follow up questions, and ultimately ask which other fictional animals the Easter bunny could take in a fight.
Easter Bunny: Origins
The Easter Bunny (sometimes called the Easter Rabbit or Easter Hare) originated in Germany and was originally the entity that judged whether children had been good at the beginning of the Easter season. You know how Santa Claus makes a list and checks it twice? Think of that but with a bunny instead of a jolly old man with a beard. Since then, the Easter Bunny has become a fun-loving mascot of the Easter season, and the religious context for the Easter Bunny is largely unexplored and unexplained. But think about this: the fact that the Easter Bunny began as the judge of a child’s character might explain why every Easter Bunny I’ve ever seen at a mall taking pictured with crying kids has murder in its eyes. Seriously. Look at that thing. It looks like an assassin that’s been tailing a target for months only to see them pop up somewhere the assassin didn’t expect to see them. Now the assassin has to make a choice: take the target now and risk being spotted or try and tail the target to a secluded spot and do it there. What if the Easter Bunny is some bumbling Jason Bourne type? Who knows?
Follow Up Questions
I have a lot of these so I’m just gonna hit you with them:
- How big is the Easter Bunny? Like a regular sized rabbit, a larger rabbit, or the 5’7″–6’1″ ones you see at the mall?
- Santa lives at the North Pole. Where does the Easter Bunny live? I like to picture him splitting an apartment with Punxsutawney Phil.
- What does the Easter Bunny do the other 364 days a year? Presumably Santa oversees the administrative and labor side of his workshop, dealing with HR claims from the elves and making sure the toys are allergen-free. I doubt the Easter Bunny has that kind of administrative workload.
- How does the Easter Bunny slip in to leave kids Easter baskets? Santa uses the chimney. Does the Easter Bunny use the dog door?
- Why is the Easter Bunny pictures above driving a tractor? Did he finally cave to the murder in his eyes and was out burying a body in a field somewhere? Or maybe the Easter Bunny is on FarmersOnly.com and this is his profile picture?
- What does the Easter Bunny eat? Normal rabbit food? For some reason that seems below an Easter mascot. Maybe he eats nothing but ham, mashed potatoes, and other Easter dinner staples.
- How does the Easter Bunny cover so many houses in a night? Santa has the sleigh and the magic reindeer. Does the Easter Bunny have something similar? Or maybe the Easter Bunny has a bunch of siblings that help out? The phrase is “multiply like rabbits,” isn’t it?
- Why did the Germans choose a bunny as the mascot? I don’t even have a joke or expansion for that one. I really want to know.
- Does the Easter Bunny speak? Is it humanoid in that way? If so, I would imagine its native language would be German because that’s where it’s from, and in German Easter Bunny is Osterhase, which would literally be “Easter Hare.”
- Seriously, why does every mall Easter Bunny have murder in its eyes?
Who’d Win the Fight?
Easter bunny versus:
- Punxsutawney Phil: Easter Bunny
- St. Patrick’s Day Leprechaun: Leprechaun
- Trix rabbit: Easter Bunny
- Toucan Sam: Easter Bunny
- Tony the Tiger: Tony
- Charmin Bear Parents: Bears
- Charmin Bear Kid: Easter Bunny
- Spuds Mackenzie: Easter Bunny
- Coca-Cola Clydesdale: Clydesdale
- The entire animal cast of Disney’s Cinderella: Easter Bunny
- The goose from a Grey Goose bottle: Easter Bunny
- Rabbit of Caerbannog: Rabbit of Caerbannog
Seriously, why does every mall Easter Bunny have murder in its eyes?