Quick Hits, Vol. 11

The arrival of Quick Hits means it’s Wednesday. And the fact that it’s Wednesday means it’s time for Quick Hits. Funny how that works, right? For the full Quick Hits archive, click here.

Quick Hits

Before the camera was invented, it was probably really easy to get away with most crimes. Maybe not robbing a bank or something like that where there would be a lot of witnesses. But assault, kidnapping, burglary of unoccupied spaces, evading arrest…those would have been fairly easy, right? No camera, no DNA…as long as there wasn’t a witness I would bet the success rate was like 93%.

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There are a lot of things in life that start out as little treats but then end up being something you still enjoy but that hates you in return. Fast food comes to mind. Fast food as a kid is a nice little delicious treat. Fast food as an adult is still okay because it tastes good, but you know as you’re eating it that your stomach will hurt or your arteries will get clogged. The treat feeling is followed immediately by a “what the hell am I doing?” feeling.

At some point in history, someone made bread for the very first time ever. Think about that. How did that happen? How did they happen to mix wheat flour and water? And then at some point someone found yeast? Are you kidding me? Absolutely insane that our ancestral barely-more-than-a-chimpanzee brains ever figured out the concept of cooking anything other than meat and readily available vegetation.

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I don’t watch much soccer because I’m not European but I respect the primitive nature of soccer.
“I’m gonna put this ball over there. I won’t even use my hands.”
“Well I’m gonna prevent you from putting that ball there.”
That’s it. That’s the entirety of soccer.

It’s cool to think of medieval knights as these statuesque beacons of chivalry, but in reality they probably had a low life expectancy, venereal diseases, and bathed like twice a year. But they probably did hold the door open for ladies.

Caffeine is one of the more socially acceptable addictions. If someone says, “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee,” it’s a bit kitschy but it’s also a bit funny and a normal part of workplace banter. But substitute almost any other addictive substance, and suddenly you need help. Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning bourbon. Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my meth. Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my Oxycontin. See? You do that and someone will have a wellness check performed on you.

Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX 2 was a much better action-sports video game than Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2, but y’all aren’t ready for that conversation.

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It’s insane that we all don’t have incredible vision. For the vast majority of human existence, we didn’t have the ability to improve people’s vision with glasses or surgery. The fact that there are still people with bad vision is a huge evolutionary flaw. We evolved to see more shades of green than any other color as a way to find predators in the brush. But then there’s people who can’t read 12-point font unless they’re holding the page an inch and a half in front of their face. Just absolutely incredible.

The Simpsons hasn’t been very good for a while. This means that largely Gen X and older Millennials are keeping it alive out of pure nostalgia, which sounds a lot like something Gen X and Millennials would accuse Baby Boomers of doing to things like illegal pot and Jane Fonda’s entire career.

“I can’t believe he said something so hurtful. I’m going to go in the other room and write a poem explaining my feelings.” – A Rapper Writing a Diss Track

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Have a great Wednesday, everyone!

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