Inject Masters Golf Straight Into My Veins

Today’s the day. Today is the start of The Masters. TV coverage begins at 2:00 p.m. Central on ESPN, but the tournament will begin much earlier than that. I suppose because last year was such a weird sports year and this great golf tournament was played in November instead of the traditional April, I’m just extra hyped for it.

I’m serious. I don’t know why I’m so pumped, but this is as excited I’ve been about a live sporting event since game one of the Stanley Cup finals last year (unrelated: why do all the Dallas teams insist on breaking my heart lately?)

But back to golf. If I was just slightly less sane I might even dress up in golf attire to watch the game like how Mike Teavee dresses up in cowboy stuff to watch his Westerns. I half want to make pimento cheese sandwiches and drink Miller Lite at 9:00 a.m. on a Thursday. I’m just so excited I can’t even stand it. My wife justifiably thinks I’m insane for it. I can’t blame her.

To use the drug parlance, I just want to mainline this golf. If I could somehow have actual footage just streaming directly into my brain, I would. I can even put up with the pretentious part of The Masters. It’s not the front nine and back nine, it’s the first nine and second nine. Someone didn’t ace hole 3, they got a hole-in-one on Flowering Crab Apple. They don’t have fans, they have patrons. It’s all so stuffy and unnecessary, and let me tell you, brother, I am here for it.

I didn’t even really have anything else to say about the tournament, I just wanted to vent some of this excitement because I’m like a sugar-fueled, snot-nosed, the-Ritalin-prescription-ran-out-two-days-ago kid with $1,000.00 and all the time in the world at a Toys R Us in 1997. Just give me the golf. And since that’s how I feel, I assume others are the same way, so here are three great Masters moments from the practice rounds in years gone by.

Jon Rahm Skips for an Eagle on a Par 3

Back-to-Back Aces in the Par 3 Tournament

Jack’s Grandson Aces the Final Par 3 Tournament Hole

I mean, those are all incredible, but can you imagine caddying for Jack Nicklaus, who also happens to be your granddad, and he gives you the green light to hit one off the tee in front of a bunch of tv cameras and patrons, and you just step up and frickin’ ace it? I imagine that the only more powerful feelings on earth would be dunking on Lebron James and ordering drone strikes. If I did that, this is how I would walk for the rest of my life:

10 Best NBA Trash Talkers Of All-Time

Happy Masters Thursday, everyone. I hope you take off work early and start drinking before 3:00 p.m. And happy Thursday, Sam Cassell. I always thought you looked like an alien, but I liked your game.

1 thought on “Inject Masters Golf Straight Into My Veins”

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