Quick Hits, Vol. 13

As is Wednesday tradition, please enjoy today’s Quick Hits. For the entire Quick Hits archive, click here.

Quick Hits

I thought I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I think about how Ray Charles (who, of course, was blind) recorded a duet with George Jones called “We Didn’t See a Thing.”

Is a chore still considered a chore if you enjoy it? I hate cleaning the kitchen, which is one of my chores. I love mowing and weedeating the lawn, which is also a chore, but I enjoy it. I think if you enjoy it, it’s not a chore, and I call this the Hank Hill Hobby/Chore Index.

If I was a billionaire, in addition to philanthropic ventures I would do two other things purely for the fun of it: I would occasionally buy meals for everyone who happened to be eating in the same restaurant I was, and I would absolutely have my people reach out to celebrities’ people and ask for odd favors. I’d offer J.K. Rowling $5 million to read me to sleep from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I’d offer Nicki Minaj $15 million to never record music ever again. I’d offer Bill Murray $750,000 to serve as my pretend body guard for a day and tell me stories about how many drugs people did in the early ’80s. In all honesty, I’m pretty sure Jerry Seinfeld’s Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee started because he was bored and has the money to do silly stuff.

There hasn’t been a new distilled spirit in a while. Some scientist somewhere should try distilling more vegetation and see if we can end up with some new type of liquor.

I bet the Susan who the Lazy Susan was named after did not take kindly to the product name.

We live in an amazing time to be a beer lover. This is the beer selection  at the BP gas station in my neighborhood. : beerporn

You know how when you were on your way to some random young cousin’s or friend’s birthday party and you’d have to stop by a pharmacy to buy some last minute crappy gift? That’s the same vibe as stopping by a gas station for beer or wine on your way to a dinner party.*

“Take Me Home, Country Roads,” when speaking of West Virginia, says that “life is old there, older than the trees.” Sharks have been on Earth longer than modern trees. Ipso facto, John Denver thought that either A) West Virginia was once underwater and sharks roamed the area now known as West Virginia; or B) Sharks were once able to breathe on land.

For people in my generation, Dumb and Dumber will be one of those classic comedies like Airplane! or Caddyshack is to my parents’ generation.

The best time to clean your house is right before you have to do something you’re dreading but can’t avoid. For instance, I remember in the days leading to the bar exam I cleaned my apartment so thoroughly that my girlfriend (now wife) thought I had hired someone to do it. It was the greatest compliment I’ve ever received, and it wouldn’t have been possible if I wasn’t so serious about procrastinating studying the bar exam. I even took a toothbrush to the baseboards. Crazy.

Have a great Wednesday and an awesome rest of the week, everyone.

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