Way back on December 27 I posted an article about what your brunch food order says about you, and a few folks have pointed out that food is only half of the brunch experience. The other half? Drinks!
If you ask me, it’s pretty tough to beat a social situation in which it’s acceptable to drink hard liquor before 10:30 a.m. Brunch, golf, wedding, bachelor party, tropical vacation…those are all some great situations where drinking early is acceptable. That said, most of those things cost a lot, but brunch doesn’t. Brunch is easy. It’s recurrent and one of those things that some people literally have standing reservations for. Drinking in the morning is fun. The older I get, the better drinking in the morning is and the worse drinking in the evening is.
But I digress. There’s only one ground rule here: this only applies to alcoholic drinks. If you get something sensible like coffee or juice or (can you even imagine?) just a water, then what that tells me is that you’re a much more responsible person than I am. Anyhow, without any further ado, here’s what your brunch drink order says about you.
If you order a beer with your eggs benedict, then you have a full day ahead of you but you still want to be social. After brunch you’re probably running a few other errands, likely to places like Home Depot, Bed Bath & Beyond, Academy, or maybe even the grocery store. You’ll have a good craft beer, and you might even have two of them, but you need your wits about you if you’re gonna get some chores done today, so the hard liquor is off the table. You get double points if you order something vaguely breakfasty like a coffee ale or one of those weird bacon flavored beers out there. And in case you’re wondering, yes, that’s a bacon flavored beer offered by the brewmasters over at Waffle House. It’s only available in Georgia so I haven’t had it, but I’d be willing to try it.
Ordering a mimosa at breakfast tells me that you’re either a traditionalist or that it’s your very first time ever having brunch. I love a good mimosa. If I’m not feeling like some spirits (see below), a mimosa is normally my go-to. Sometimes I’ll get one of the specialty mimosas (my favorite so far was a pink champagne and blood orange juice one from a place I’ve forgotten the name of in far North Dallas), but most of the time I stick to the original. Bonus tip: if you, like me, are a fan of tequila sunrises, ask to have a dash or two of grenadine added to your mimosa. Second bonus tip: If you ask for a shot of Grand Marnier in your mimosa, it makes it roughly 8,921% better. The downside of mimosas is that they are so, so sweet. I can normally have two before my teeth hurt and my stomach tells me I need something with less sugar in it. That said, there’s a reason it is THE brunch drink: it’s delicious and dependable, and even a bad one is still pretty good.
Irish coffee, in my experience, has been the exclusive choice of a person who is fighting through a hangover. I’m not a big fan of Irish coffee because I like coffee and I like whiskey, but I don’t really want them mixing. I also don’t like adding sweet stuff to coffee, so if it’s Bailey’s going in there you can pretty much count me out. However, the times I’ve been at brunch hungover (which everyone has likely done at least a couple times), I will, on occasion, order an Irish coffee. It’s nice in that very narrow context because it has that beautiful combo of acid (coffee), caffeine (coffee), and hair of the dog (whiskey, etc.). Fun fact: I had breakfast in Ireland once and over there an Irish coffee is a very specific mixture of strong coffee, whiskey, and sugar, topped with cream (pictured).
This is normally what I’ll order. Tequila sunrise, screwdriver, morning mule, rum punch, etc. Bloody Marys aren’t in this category because tomato juice doesn’t really count as a juice for the purposes of my list (see below). I’m almost always going to get something like a tequila sunrise. It’s nice because while the juice has a lot of sweetness to it, the tequila doesn’t, so it’s not overwhelmingly sweet like a mimosa can be on occasion. These are also classic brunch cocktails, and what it says about you is that you’ve been to enough brunches that you know you can handle hard liquor in this form in the morning. It’s likely you’re either on vacation or otherwise have absolutely nothing to do the rest of the day, because the first thing I want to do after a carb-heavy meal and some fruity cocktails is take a nap. TL;DR: A juice-based cocktail means you’re an experienced bruncher with not much to do the rest of the day.
This is typically going to be a Bloody Mary, gin fizz, Tom Collins, or something based in Red Bull or iced tea. Personally I’m a big gin fizz fan (pictured), especially if it’s a sloe gin fizz, which happens to be one of my all time favorite drinks and part of a great collaboration between Jack White and Loretta Lynn. The person ordering a cocktail like this is planning to cut loose the rest of the day. Maybe it’s full-blown partying, or maybe it’s a rowdy game of golf, but maybe it’s just a day to drink and do nothing, but drink enough to enjoy doing nothing. If I have a sloe gin fizz or a Tom Collins at 9:30 a.m., you can bet I’ll be at a driving range or cooking a big meal or otherwise doing something sort of active but also something that can be done with a buzz. Yum. My mouth started watering even thinking about a Tom Collins on the first tee box.
If you order a Jack & Coke at brunch, you don’t like brunch. You have one drink you order every time you’re at a bar, and because you’re not a brunch person, you just default to your bar order. I’ve been with people who ordered vodka tonics, cherry vodka sours, martinis, and even Long Island iced teas at brunch. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good Long Island, but it’s generally not what I want when I’m deciding how I want my eggs prepared. If you order a cocktail like this you’re probably also likely to order a traditional breakfast dish like eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not really in the spirit of brunch, ya know? In my experience the people who order non-breakfast cocktails are fairly humorless in the mornings, too, so maybe it’s just something to do with being conscious before noon.
If you regularly order bourbon on the rocks or a vodka shot at brunch, when you get home you’re going to find your living room filled with loved ones telling you how your drinking has affected them.