What Your Santa Cookies Say About You

What kind of cookies do you leave out for Santa Claus? I think milk is the pretty much universal beverage (at least if the universe is comprised solely of the USA). Of course, there are lots of different milks out there. Goat’s milk, camel milk, soy milk, almond milk, etc. But the best is the ever-reliable cow milk. Of course, even that can be divided into whole milk, 1%, 2%, skim, buttermilk, etc. But milk is boring, so we’re just going to talk cookies.

I think the type of cookie you leave out says a lot about you. With that in mind, let’s take a look.

Homemade Christmas Cookies: You’re a Traditionalist

We have to start with the OG. The classic. The reliable. The Christmas cookie. The classic Christmas cookie here in the USA is a sugar cookie that has been cut into a holiday shape and frosted with either red, green, or white frosting. My grandmother on my mom’s side made the BEST Christmas cookies. She’s cook up a bunch of them and freeze them so we could thaw and eat them at our leisure, and even frozen then thawed they were still delicious. But the classic Christmas cookie tells me you’re a traditionalist. You probably do a lot of other very cliché, traditional Christmas stuff: mistletoe, Christmas cards where you’re wearing a Santa hat, listening to the Rat Pack versions of Christmas classics, watching It’s a Wonderful Life, wrapping each gift just so, maybe even going around the neighborhood in Dickensian dress singing Christmas carols? I don’t know. But the point is you take Christmas traditions very seriously and that means Santa gets a homemade Christmas cookie with his milk.

Classic Sugar Cookies Recipe - BettyCrocker.com

Homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies: You’re Almost a Traditionalist

There a lot of reasons a person might opt for homemade chocolate chip cookies rather than homemade Christmas sugar cookies: Maybe you don’t have cookie cutters, maybe you’re a little short on white sugar but have plenty of brown sugar, maybe you hate frosting the cookies (that’s my reason), maybe you want to give Santa a little variety, maybe you don’t like sugar cookies, or maybe you know it’s really easy to just throw together a batch of chocolate chip cookies because you mix everything in a bowl, scoop it onto a pan, then cook until soft and delicious. Whatever the reason, I think homemade cookies of any sort (but especially chocolate chip) says you’re almost a traditionalist of the top tier, but not quite. You probably put up the tree, but don’t go all out in decorating it. You hang stockings by the chimney, but not with care. You listen to modern versions of classic Christmas carols. On Christmas morning you have coffee in your PJs while opening presents, but soon change into real clothes and watch football. You’re almost a traditionalist.

Best Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe - How To Make Toll House Chocolate  Chip Cookies

Gingerbread Cookies: You Have Terrible Taste

Do you know why gingerbread cookies are seasonal? Because they’re not very good. That’s why. They suck. For one thing, I’m not sure an aggressive Southeast Asian spice is the best base for a dessert. For another, gingerbread cookies always have a bunch of other crap in them. Molasses, orange juice and zest, cinnamon, Red Hots (sometimes), cloves, turmeric, cardamom, and all sorts of other crap that doesn’t just scream “dessert.” Then there’s the texture. Gingerbread cookies are either so hard that they could be used to frame out a skyscraper, or so soft that it feels like biting into freshly baked bread. Neither one of those things is a cookie texture. Plus, gingerbread cookies are hard to shape if you’re going to make them into little gingerbread men. My least favorite thing about gingerbread cookies, however, is that people are always pressuring you into pairing it with stuff. “Oh, have a nibble of gingerbread with a nice mimosa.” “You gotta dip the gingerbread cookie in your coffee!” “I like to serve my gingerbread cookies with a side of Brer Rabbit molasses.” If a cookie honestly needs a garnish or dipping sauce or drink pairing to be good, then it’s not a good cookie. I have it on good authority that Santa is allergic to ginger anyway. Quit leaving them out, because gingerbread cookies are trash.

Gingerbread Cookies (Step by Step Recipe) - Jessica Gavin

Store-Bought Traditional Cookies: You’re Not a Baker*

*Or, you’re just very busy but want the traditional feel. I’m not much of a baker. Sure, I can whip up some chocolate chip cookies, maybe some blondies, and even the rare loaf of no-knead bread, but by and large I don’t like baking because it’s too precise. If you’re also not a baker but you like the traditional cookies of Christmas, then you’re probably going to buy your cookies from a store. Maybe it’ll be a bakery. Maybe it’s just your local Kroger. It doesn’t really matter, though. Store-bought cookies are good. There’s nothing wrong with phoning it in on occasion, and with cookies that’s easy to do because the store-bought ones are probably better than what you could make at home anyhow. I don’t think Santa minds, by the way. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of person who would be too picky with cookies. Store-bought traditional cookies means the chocolate chip, sugar, oatmeal, snickerdoodle, or other “traditional” cookies that come premade in the clear plastic clamshell container that makes so much noise when you try to open it. There’s nothing wrong with those. Pro tip, thought: turn your oven on and let it heat up for about two minutes then put a few cookies on a cookie sheet and put them in the oven for just a couple minutes (no more than five). It will warm your cookies without cooking them any further, and it’s unlikely your oven will ever get higher than about 225°. It really elevates the cookie.

Grocery Store Cookies High Resolution Stock Photography and Images - Alamy

Store-Bought Nontraditional Cookies: You Forgot About It

We’re talking Pepperidge Farm, Oreos, Keebler, maybe even those weird store brand Girl Scout cookie knockoffs. If you leave Oreos out for Santa it means you kind of forgot about the milk and cookies thing and ran out to a gas station or pharmacy because they were close and open. And look, I know that these are all “traditional” cookies in that we all know what they are, but who’s ever heard of leaving some Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies out for Santa? I love Oreos. Oreos are probably my favorite store-bought cookie of any sort. But I don’t want to leave Oreos out for Santa. It feels a little lazy. But look, if it’s Christmas Eve at 8:00 p.m. and you’re trying to get your kids to bed so Santa can leave presents under the tree and you really need some cookies to leave out, I’m sure Santa appreciates the thought. Just go ahead and run to CVS and get you a pack of Double Stuf Oreos.

Double Stuf Oreos and Other Food Myths

Something Other Than Cookies: You’re Looking Out for Santa

Jeff Foxworthy once released a song called “The Redneck 12 Days of Christmas,” in which he said leaving cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa is a perfectly acceptable (if rural (or “redneck”)) thing to do. Personally, I’m not too big on sweets, and if I went around dropping off presents at 500 million homes every year I would probably want something savory every now and then. Nachos, beef jerky, finger sandwiches, pretzels, pita and hummus, spanakopita, spring rolls, mini quiches, sausage balls, mozzarella sticks, fresh tamales, pigs in a blanket, or maybe even just some chips and queso, would all be great options for Santa. And he’ll need a break from milk, too, so maybe some iced tea, coffee, water, soda, beer, spirits, wine, or maybe even a warm cocktail like a hot toddy. If I’m coming down a chimney after eating 25 million cookies and drinking 40,000 gallons of milk, I’m gonna want some green tea or something to help settle my stomach. And if there’s a savory food there to boot? Oh, hell, yeah. Sign me up. If you leave this kind of thing out, you’re just looking out for Santa.

Barberitos on Twitter: "Leave Santa something he'll really enjoy.  #Barberitos #chips #queso #santa #ChristmasEve #Christmas 🎅 🧀 🎄 🎵  https://t.co/Gqax4UWviS" / Twitter

Vegan, Gluten-Free Cookies: You Hate Santa

Look, I’m not knocking veganism or gluten-free anything here. If you have dietary restrictions and mean you need to eat those things, then go for it. But Santa is not canonically vegan or gluten-free. I mean, have you seen the man? He’s been eating fatty, buttery, gluteny cookies and drinking cow milk for like 1,000 years. If you leave him that other “food,” you just hate Santa. You’re no better than Judge Reinhold’s character from The Santa Clause. Don’t be a dick to St. Nick.

Betty Crocker™ Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix - BettyCrocker.com

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