Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the penultimate installment of Quick Hits! As you might recall, I decided to do 52 volumes of Quick Hits, just because a year’s worth of this particular once-a-week article seems like plenty. For now. Who knows? I might revisit this some day in the future and decide to do many more of them. And to think it all started with some writer’s block. Anyhow, for the full Quick Hits archive, click here.
But anyhow, on to the show. I present to you the next-to-last installment of…
“Look, babe, I’m not mad. It’s just that when you said your friend Phil was a weatherman I expected someone…human.”
The Winter Olympics is almost here, and once again I expect that at least one poor bastard is going to have to tell his wife he lost their vacation money gambling on curling.
It’s weird that coffee and, presumably, tea are the two beverages that it’s socially acceptable to say you can’t begin your day without. “I’m not myself until I’ve had my coffee.” “No one talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.” “I’m sorry I’m a little late, but I just can’t function without some English breakfast with milk and sugar.” All fine. But if someone was like “Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had my Wild Cherry Pepsi,” you’d think they were a freak.
Sometimes you’ll just be reading a normal sentence and then BAM! you come down with a case of onomatopoeia.
If you made a documentary about deer, would you utilize a pun by calling it a deercumentary, doecumentary, or buckumentary? Personally I like deercumentary because it’s gender inclusive, but I suppose if you were focusing on either the doe or buck that one of the others would have more appeal.
I don’t want to harp on Groundhog Day, but can you imagine if today was politicized like so many other issues in this country? You’d have people saying “not my groundhog” and accusing Punxsutawney Phil of being a communist, then you’d have people saying Phil represents science and his forecast is rock solid, but then some podcaster would have an animal trainer on talking about how groundhogs aren’t even capable of seeing shadows or whatever. It’d be a mess. Luckily it’s not that way and we save that particular brand of idiocy for things that don’t actually matter like Covid and the economy and whatnot.
“I want answers! No ifs, ands, or buts. And no prepositional phrases. And no adjectives. Actually, I don’t even want verbs. Just give me an interjection and maybe an honorific or title. Is that understood?”
Seriously, I don’t want to harp on Groundhog Day, but why is it that 350 million people take meteorological advice from a rodent? I just don’t get it. I have never understood the draw of Groundhog Day. And by the way, should Groundhog Day celebrate groundhogs instead of just having one decide what the weather will be? Like shouldn’t today be filled with random facts about groundhogs, maybe some animal trainers take some groundhogs on TV shows like Good Morning America or whatever? I don’t get it.
They’re calling for snow and ice here in Dallas and many other places around Texas over the next couple days, so if y’all don’t hear from us for a while, that’s why. And to my fellow Lone Star Staters, please stay off the road if it ices and you’re not comfortable driving in the snow and ice. It’s dangerous, especially if you don’t know what you’re doing.
You know those fake dog turds you can buy at places like Spencer’s Gifts? They should call those “sham poo.”
Happy Wednesday, everyone, and stay safe out there!