Suggested Winter Olympics Events

Happy Friday, everyone! The 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing began today, so we thought it would be appropriate to suggest some other Winter Olympiad events that we’d like to see in 2026 and beyond.

Winter Triathlon

You already know the winter biathlon, which is a combination of cross country skiing and target shooting. We want to take the biathlon and tweak it. We’ll keep the cross country skiing, but instead of shooting targets with a small rifle, competitors will shoot at live ducks with a 12-gauge shotgun. Competitors must shoot until they have killed a duck, at which point the new third leg of the event takes place: game preparation. Competitors will have one hour to build a fire, pluck their duck, harvest the breast meat, and cook it to a perfect medium-rare, which is just fine for duck. This will allow the winter games to become more popular in areas without too much snow such as the southern United States. Just wait until you see a bunch of rednecks from Georgia skiing in camouflage waders and dipping Copenhagen long cut on the Olympic stage. It’ll be great.

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Competitive Snow Shoveling

I grew up here in north Texas, so we didn’t have much snow growing up. In fact, I think I was probably eight years old or so before I even saw snow in person. But I know enough about cold climates to know that shoveling snow off a driveway or sidewalk is a common chore in places where it does snow. So, how about make that a sport? We’ll have to regulate shovel size and materials, and we’ll probably want to have at least two different categories: The first category will just be a large space (say 1,500 square feet) covered in four inches of snow, and whoever clears the snow fastest wins. The second category will be something of a race course where competitors will have to get from point A to point B along a winding path that is only as wide as the snow shovel. It’s a race to the finish, and all the snow must be cleared from the path, with time penalties given for snow that is missed. Think about how fun it would be seeing some super fact run-shoveling!

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Snowman Building

The rules are simple: the competitor who builds a snowman at least 6 feet tall, comprising three large snowballs stacked on top of one another, a carrot nose, three charcoal buttons, tennis ball eyes, and a corncob pipe, wins. We’ll have an individual competition as well as doubles, including mixed doubles. My hope is that at some point there is a husband/wife mixed doubles team and the whole thing devolves into an argument as if they were putting together Ikea furniture together. Added wrinkle: the snowman must remain standing for two hours without wilting of crumbling.

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Lunch Tray Half Pipe

As I mentioned, I wasn’t around snow much growing up. But when it did snow, we always managed to have fun. One way we’d have fun is taking a flat object like a trashcan lid or lunch tray and sliding down a hill. It seems silly now that I’m in my thirties, but when I was in elementary school it was a blast. So, let’s add something like that to the Winter Olympics. They already have luge, which seems to be the closest event to a lunch tray slide, but what if we made it a half pipe instead of a course? The rule is that the competitors must sit on a lunch tray. They are then pushed into a half pipe and will work their way downhill like any other half pipe event. Points are gained for successful turns or tricks with each change of direction. Points are lost each time the competitor’s butt comes off the tray.

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Winter Obstacle Course

WHY DOESN’T THIS ALREADY EXIST? We need an obstacle course. Competitors start indoors dressed only in a single layer of clothing. At the starting bell, they must get dressed for really cold weather (snow pants, boots, warmer shirt, warmer jacket, huge parka, hat, gloves, etc.). Then they must run outside and start their way down a one mile course where they are met with several obstacles. Here’s the best part: the host country must design the obstacles and provide it to the competing countries at least one year prior to the Games. What could the obstacles be? Let your imagination run wild. Maybe they have to shovel snow or slide on a lunch tray for a while. Maybe they have to go over or under some sort of obstacles, maybe they have to army crawl or frog jump or cross a patch of ice on some monkey bars. There is almost no limit to the obstacles. Imagine watching some world-class athlete clad from head to toe in GORE-TEX trying to climb a wall with a thick rope or go fifty yards on some monkey bars! It’d be great. Fastest to the finish line wins. Maybe you could expand it to a relay or whatever. It could be fantastic.

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What other events do we need in the Winter Olympics? Should we include all the normal track and field events but do it on skates? High jump on skates? Pole vault on skates? Surely there’s something else. If you think of anything leave it in the comments or hit us up on social media @cosastotum. Happy Friday, and go Team USA!

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